“There is absolutely nothing to be said in favour of growing old. There ought to be leglislation against it. ” Patrick Moore

“One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything. ” Oscar Wilde

“I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything till noon. That’s when it’s time for my nap. ” Bob Hope

“When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” Sacha Guitry

Try these acute quotes about life.

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” Henry Youngman “If we take matrimony at it’s lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police.” Robert Lee Stevenson

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” Rodney Dangerfield

“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” Max Kaufman

Or why not try these funny quotes about life.

“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor

“If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.” David Daye

“Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.” N.F. Simpson

“The Internet is a gateway to get on the net.” Bob Dole

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” Will Rogers

“Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.” P. J. O’Rourke

“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” Will Rogers

“I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.” Woody Allen

“Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!” Billy Connolly

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” Oscar Wilde

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ” Isaac Asimov

“The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.” Albert Einstein

Or have a read of these quotes about life.

“My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.” Abraham Lincoln

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.” George Burns

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all art and science. ” Albert Einstein

“I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint…a Saint Bernard!” Rodney Dangerfield

“I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.”– (Horse Feathers, 1932) Groucho Marx

Or take a look at these funny quotes about life.

“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.” WC Fields

“The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after.Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. ” Unknown

“So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”. Tommy Cooper

“Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend. ” Marcel Achard